WHITE PEOPLE DON'T CRY! I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN GIVEN A HARD TIME OVER THE PAST FEW HUN-DRED YEARS ABOUT EVERYTHING FROM SLAVERY RIGHT ON DOWN TO THE INACCURACY OF YOUR DOPPLER RADAR, BUT MOTHERFUCKERS DON'T SEEM TO KNOW HOW HARD IT IS RUNNING A PLANET. IT'S NOT LIKE PLANTING A SEED AND WATERING THAT BITCH AND BOOM, YOU HAVE NICE FERNS. NO. BEING THE C.E.O. OF EARTH TAKES A LOT OF HARD ASS, THANKLESS WORK, AND HOLDING THE TORCH OF CIVILIZA-TION MAKES A MAN'S HAND HOT. WHITE PEOPLE, YOU GAVE DENIM TO THE WORLD, AND NO ONE THANKED YOU! YOU GAVE CONCRETE ROADS TO THE WORLD AND NO ONE THANKED YOU! YOU GAVE THE COMIC GENIUS OF RAYMOND ROMANO TO THE WORLD AND NO ONE THANKED YOU! YOU TURNED MANHATTAN ISLAND INTO THE CULTURAL CAPITAL OF THE PLANET WHERE AS IF THE INJUNS STILL HAD IT, THEY'D PROBABLY STILL BE SHITTING IN BUSHES, TALKING TO THEIR DEAD ANCESTORS AROUND A BONFIRE, AND HAVING SEX WITH HORSES. SO ON BEHALF OF ALL PEOPLE OF A DARKER HUE, I WISH TO THANK YOU, WHITE PEOPLE, FOR DOWNLOADABLE PORNOGRAPHY [WHO NEEDS A GIRLFRIEND], NANOTECHNOLOGY [WHEN CAN A NIGGA GET A ROBOT HAND?], THE HUBBLE SPACE TELESCOPE [AIM IT TOWARDS EARTH AND IT'S ALSO GOOD FOR ESPIONAGE] AND AIDS [C'MON WHITE POEPLE, IT'S NO SECRET THAT AIDS WAS INVENTED IN JOINT EFFORT BY BILL GATES, YACUB THE EVIL SCIENTIST, AND HITLER'S DISEMBODIED BRAIN THAT ISSUES ITS COMMANDS VIA A FIREWIRE CABLE HOOKED UP TO A MAC-BOOK PRO, USING THAT PROGRAM THAT READS WORD DOCUMENTS IN THAT ANDROGYNOUS ROBOT VOICE THAT NOBODY CAN TAKE SERI-OUSLY, SO BILL GATES IS ALWAYS LIKE, "HEY HITLER, WHAT WAS THAT THING YOU WERE SAYING ABOUT THE JEWS, ABOUT HOW THEY'RE RUIN-ING EVERYTHING, COULD YOU EXPLAIN THAT STUFF AGAIN?" SO HITLER STARTS TO EXPLICATE HIS IDEAS ABOUT THE JEWISH CONSPIRACY IN THAT FUNNY ROBOT VOICE AND BILL GATES AND YACUB START CRACK-ING UP, BUT HITLER DOESN'T GET WHAT'S SO FUNNY.] BUT I DIGRESS...GOT ANY COCAINE?
published in machete
Vol. 1, no 7, April 2010