Friday, September 16, 2011

City Paper - The Bell Curve

CP's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

[-4] According to the Pennsylvania EPA, recent rainfall will likely lead to a "mosquito baby boom." And, six days hence, the demise of the "mosquito Social Security system."

[-9] PPA workers tell the Daily News about hardbacking, wherein officers write a ticket and log it into the system, but never deliver it to the customer, leading to exorbitant late fees. Which sucks, but we gotta admit we're surprised and maybe even a little impressed. It's like when your stupid dog figures out how to knock over the trash can so he can eat garbage. We have underestimated you, Parking Authority.

[0] Germantown Jewish Centre is evacuated after receiving a "suspicious package" that turns out to be a seder plate. Everybody's been on edge since the afikoman went missing.

[+1] Phillies outfielder John Mayberry attempts to arrange a date through his agent with an actress who played a mermaid in a Pirates of the Caribbean movie, but it turns out she's married. And just a regular lady, with legs and clothes.

[+2] A new Center City District report challenges politicians and residents to capitalize on the city's increased child population. "We'll do our part," say mosquitoes.

[-1] With the city preparing to increase its use of pesticides to ward off mosquitoes, local beekeepers say they're concerned about the effect it will have on bees and people. But mostly bees.

[0] Republican mayoral candidate Karen Brown says she will challenge Mayor Nutter to five debates. Then Nutter lights a citronella candle and she goes away.

[+1] Following increased violence on SEPTA vehicles and property, a new bill proposes that bus drivers be given the same "protected class" status afforded to cops and firefighters. Says bus driver, "I guess I'm allowed to blow through stop signs and red lights now. I've always wanted to, but I have too much respect for the laws and rules of orderly society."

This week's total: -10 | Last week's total: -10