City Paper: The Bell Curve

Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

[+2] A West Philly woman is attempting to use crowdfunding on the web to purchase the house she’s been squatting in for the last eight years. “I’ve always wanted to gentrify,” she explains. “I just couldn’t afford it.”

[0] Lightning forces the audience inside the Linc to take shelter during a Taylor Swift concert. Swift, meanwhile, remains on stage, where she is struck by lightning some 31 times with no ill effect.

[+4] A 25-year study performed by area researchers concludes that babies born to crack-addicted mothers have few significant disadvantages intellectually or developmentally. Meaning we had to look at all those horrible photos of tiny, bug-eyed babies for no fucking reason.

[+4] The crack-baby study did determine that poverty was a greater detriment to child development than crack. Go ahead and make us look at photos of poor people all damn day. We won’t feel a thing.

[-1] A posting on Craigslist purports to be written by a Philly mom attempting to arrange a hook-up for her son so he can lose his virginity before enrolling in Harvard. And suddenly a bunch of Wharton kids are wondering if that handjob during orientation wasn’t a miracle after all.

[+1] The 400-passenger Liberty Belle paddlewheel boat, which formerly gave tours on the Delaware, will be auctioned in Baltimore. With that out of the way, there should be less Google Alert confusion for any-body else using that name. Specifically the drill team, the conservative women’s group, the chorus, the roller-derby team, the gun-rights group, the women’s football team, the synchronized-skating team, the Tea Party blogger, the volleyball club and the website offering a “glamorous glance at the world of tactical military jobs with a sexy twist.”
 

[+1] A new study by the Department of Energy finds no evidence that fracking leads to contaminated drinking water. So suck it up, frack babies.
 

This week’s total: +11 | Last week’s total: 0

 

Notebook: Back-Page Info

Table of Troy Weight

24 grains (gr.) = 1 pennyweight (dwt.)
24 pennyweights = 1 ounce (oz.)
12 ounces = 1 pound (lb.)


Table of Circular Measure

60 seconds = 1 minute
60 minutes = 1 degree
360 degrees = 1 circumference

A degree of the earth's surface or a meridian = 69.16 miles at the equator.


Table of Apothecaries' Weight

20 grains (gr.) = 1 scruple
3 scruples = 1 dram
8 drams = 1 ounce
12 ounces = 1 pound (lb.)


Table of Surface Measure

144 sq. in. = 1 sq. ft.
9 sq. ft. = 1 sq. yd.
30 1/4 sq. yds. = 1 sq. rod
160 sq. rods = 1 acre
640 acres = 1 sq. mile

An acre measures 208.71 ft. on each side.
A section of land is 1 sq. mile.
A quarter section 160 160 acres.
A township is 36 sq. miles.

Notebook: Back-Page Info

Table of Linear Measure

12 inches = 1 foot
3 feet = 1 yard
16 1/2 ft. (5 1/2 yds.) = 1 rod
660 feet = 1 furlong
320 rods (5280 ft.) = 1 mile


Miscellaneous Measures

12 units = 1 dozen
12 doz. = 1 gross
12 gr. = 1 great gross
20 units = 1 score
1 hand = 4 inches
1 fathom = 6 feet
1 knot = 6086 feet
3 knots = 1 league
1 bu. potatoes = 60 lbs.
1 barrel flour = 196 lbs.
1 cu.ft. of water = 7.48 liquid gals. and weighs 62.425 lbs.
Diameter of circle x 3.1416 = circumference
Diameter of circle squared x .7854 = area
Atmospheric pressure is 14.7 lbs per sq. in. at sea level
13 1/2 cu.ft. of air weighs 1 lb.


Table of Cubic Measure

1728 cubic inches = 1 cubic foot
27 cubic feet = 1 cubic yard
128 feet = 1 cord of wood
24 3/4 cubic feet = 1 perch of stone

Note: A cord of wood is a pile 8 feet long, 4 feet wide and 4 feet high.
A perch of stone or brick is 16 1/2 feet long, 1 1/2 feet wide, and 1 foot high.


Table of Avoirdupois Weight

16 drams = 1 ounce (oz.)
16 ounces = 1 pound (lb.)
100 pounds = 1 hundredweight (cwt.)
2000 pounds = 1 ton (T.)
2240 pounds = 1 long ton (L.T.)


 

Notebook: Back-Page Info

Table of Time Measure

60 seconds = 1 minute
60 minutes = 1 hour
24 hours = 1 day
7 days = 1 week
30 days = 1 calender month
12 months = 1 year
365 days = 1 common year
366 days = 1 leap year
100 years = 1 century


Table of Dry Measure

2 pints (pt.) = 1 quart (qt.)
8 quarts = 1 peck (pk.)
4 pecks = 1 bushel (bu.)
1 cord = 128 cu. ft.


Table of Liquid Measure

4 gills (gi.) = 1 pint (pt.)
2 pints = 1 quart (qt.)
4 quarts = 1 gallon (gal.)
31 1/2 gallons = 1 barrel (bbl.)
2 barrels = hogshead (hhd.)


Table of Paper Measure

24 sheets = quire
20 quires = 1 ream
10 reams = 1 bale

 

(*) 30,000 Days

30,000 ÷ 365 = 82.191781 (years)

365 x 50 = 18259 (**)

(*) Average Human Life

(**) Total Days Lived not including a few additional "leap year" days plus the past week since July 11th.

6 Days

Have been smoke-free (cigarettes) since July 10th.

Thinking about getting "The Patch" from my doctor.

Food Stuff Consumption

Thursday, July 11th

1 Glass of Water
2 Cups of Coffee (Light)
1 Cheesesteak Hoagie (Classic Roll) with Scramble Eggs, American Cheese & Onions
2 Glasses of Water
3 Potato & Onion Pierogies
4 Potato, Spinach & Feta Cheese Pierogies
Glass of Water
2 Servings of Salisbury Steak with Gravy
1 Orange
2 Glasses of Water
Glass of Milk


Wednesday, July 10th

2 Cups of Coffee (Light)
2 Old Fashion Donuts
1 Glass of Water
2 Pints of Beer (20oz. each)
1 Glass of Water
1 Bottle of Thai Beer (12 Fl. oz.)
3 Shrimp Spring Rolls (Appetizer)
3/4 Serving of Pad Thai
1 Glass of Coke
2 Pints of Beer
1 Bag of Pretzels (net wt. 1 oz.)
1 Pint of Beer
Glass of Water
1 Cup of Coffee (Light)
Celeste 4-Cheese Pizza for One
Celeste Deluxe Pizza for One


Tuesday, July 9th

2 Cups of Coffee (Light)
2 Corn Muffins
2 Pints of Beer
Glass of Water
2 Servings of Pasta with Smoked Oysters
1 Cup of Coffee (Light)
Celeste Sausage Pizza for One
Celeste Vegetable Pizza for One
1 Orange


Monday, July 8th

2 Cups of Coffee (Light)
2 Croissants
1 Pint of Beer
Glass of Water
2 Bowels of Baked Beans
3 Potato & Onion Pierogies
3 Potato, Spinach & Feta Cheese Pierogies
1 Orange


Sunday, July 7th

2 Cups of Coffee (Light)
2 "Everything" Bagels with Veggie Cream Cheese, Cucumbers, Tomatoes, Onions, Salt & Pepper
1 Orange
Glass of Water
2 Ears of White Corn


Saturday, July 6th

2 Cups of Coffee (Light)
1 Pit of Beer
1 Egg Salad Hoagie (Classic Roll) with American Cheese, Onions & Grated Parmesan Cheese
Glass of Water
1 Orange
2 Cheeseburgers with Ketchup
Glass of Water
1 Orange
 

Food Stuff Consumption

Friday, July 5th

2 Cups of Coffee (Light)
2 Old Fashion Donuts
3 Pints of Beer
1/2 Serving of Hamburger Dog with Mustard & Onions on a hotdog bun
3 Pints of Beer
2 Ears of White Corn
Cup of Coffee (Light)
2 Cheeseburgers with Ketchup
1 Orange
1 Glass of Water


Thursday, July 4th

2 Cups of Coffee (Light)
2 Croissants
2 Glasses of Water
2 Slices of American Cheese
2 Cheeseburgers with Ketchup
1 Orange
2 Servings of Steamed Asparagus
1 Glass of Milk
1 Orange
1 Cup of Coffee (Light)


Wednesday, July 3rd

2 Cups of Coffee (Light)
2 Corn Muffins
Glass of Milk
2 Servings of Chicken Strips/Nuggets
Serving of French Fries with Ketchup
1 Apple
2 Oranges
Glass of Water


Tuesday, July 2nd

2 Cups of Coffee (Light)
1 Coffee Roll
1 Bag of Baked Potato Crisps - Sour Cream & Onion Flavored (Net Wt. 1oz.)
2 Slices of American Cheese
2 Cheeseburgers with Ketchup
1 Serving of French Fries with Ketchup
2 Large Glasses of Water
2 Oranges


Monday, July 1st

2 Cups of Coffee (Light)
1 Bag of Baked Potato Crisps - Sour Cream & Onion Flavored (Net Wt. 1 oz.)
2 Pints of Beer
1 Spicy Fiesta Turkey Wrap with Pico De Gallo (Net Wt. 7.2 oz.)
3 Pints of Beer
1 Chicken Salad Hoagie (Classic Roll) with American Cheese, Sweet Peppers, Pickles & Grated Parmesan Cheese
2 Glasses of Water


Sunday, June 30th

Cup of Coffee (Light)
1 Apple
Cup of Coffee (Light)
1 Buffalo Chicken Cheesesteak Hoagie (Classic Roll) with American Cheese, Onions, Jalapenos & Grated Parmesan Cheese
2 Glasses of Water
1 Apple
 

Food Stuff Consumption

Saturday, June 29th

2 Cups of Coffee (Light)
1 Hash Brown (net wt. 2.4 oz.)
1 Sausage, Egg & Cheese Sizzli Bagel (net wt. 6.3 oz.)
1 Bacon, Egg & Cheese Sizzli Croissant (net wt. 4.8 oz)
4 Pints of Beer
#2 Chinese Takeout - Sesame Chicken, Eggroll, Pork Fried Rice plus Soda (12 fl. oz.)
1 Apple


Friday, June 28th

1 Cup of Coffee (Light/Sweet)
3 Pints of Beer
1 Cup of Coffee (Light)
Plain Bagel with Veggie Cream Cheese, Cucumbers, Tomatoes, Onion, Salt & Pepper
1 Cup of Coffee (Light)
3 Peanut Butter & Strawberry Jam Sandwiches
Glass of Water
2 Servings of Spaghetti with Meat Sauce
1 Apple


Thursday, June 27th

2 Cups of Coffee (Light)
1 Croissant
1 Apple
Glass of Water
1 Bag (net wt. 1 oz.) of Baked Potato Crisps - Sour Cream & Onion Flavored
1 Cup of Coffee (Light)
4 Pints of Beer
Sm Bag of Pretzels
1 Cup of Coffee (Light)
Chef Salad (net wt. 10.8 oz.) - Romaine & Iceberg Lettuce, Egg, Ham, Swiss Cheese, Turkey Breast, Carrots, Grape Tomatoes, Parmesan Cheese, Seasoned Croutons, & Italian Dressing
8 Saltine Crackers
Glass of Water
2 Peanut Butter & Strawberry Jam Sandwiches


Wednesday, June 26th

Cup of Coffee (Light/Sweet)
3 Pints of Beer
Sm Bag of Pretzels
Shot of Whiskey
Pint of Beer
1 Apple
Glass of Water
Cup of Coffee (Light/Sweet)
Chicken Salad Hoagie (Classic Roll) with American Cheese, Sweet Peppers, Pickles, Onions, and Grated Parmesan cheese
2 Glasses of Water
1 Apple


Tuesday, June 25th

2 Cups of Coffee (Light/Sweet)
Slice of Cheese Pizza
Glass of Water
1 Apple
Glass of Water
3 Slices of Pepperoni Pizza
Glass of Milk
1 Apple
2 Peanut Butter & Strawberry Jam Sandwiches
Glass of Milk


Monday, June 24th

Cup of Coffee (Light/Sweet)
2 Peanut Butter, Strawberry Jam & Potato Chips Sandwiches
1 Apple
Glass of Water
Cup of Coffee (Cream)
2 Slices of Pizza (3 Cheeses)
Glass of Water

Six Months - Six Cookie Fortunes

Pay attention, an opportunity will knock on your door.

Learn Chinese:

To see a doctor - kan bing

Lucky Numbers:

2, 9, 15, 6, 42, 46


Including others in your life will bring you great happiness.

Learn Chinese:

Fish - yu

Lucky Numbers:

48, 14, 52, 28, 51, 56


Give what you have; to someone it may be better than you dare to think.

Learn Chinese:

Egg roll - chun juan

Lucky Numbers:

29, 50, 24, 15, 47, 19


Genius does what it must, and talent does what it can.

Learn Chinese:

Potato - malingshu

Lucky Numbers:

52, 38, 39, 34, 33, 29


You will be fortunate in everything you put your hands to.

Learn Chinese:

A moment - yi hui er

Lucky Numbers:

2, 13, 50, 55, 31, 51


You will move to a wonderful new home within the year.

Learn Chinese:

Please - qing

Lucky Numbers:

53, 10, 29, 14, 1, 21

The Waffleman: Public Record Column

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler and I can prove it," say Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet." Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his upper and lower dentures and gently bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand - with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. "Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa says. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's now way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

So Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and put his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

Says the attorney, "This morning, when Grandpa told me he's been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"


The Public Record
Vol. XV No. 23 (Issue 699)
Published June 20, 2013
Column: The Waffleman
Page 6

Humor Train: Helpful Household Tips