Thursday, August 16, 2012

The Bell Curve

CP's Quality-O-Life-O-Meter

[-1] A new survey by ranks Philadelphia 10th on its list of cities with the most workplace cursing. And they are entitled to their opinion.

[+2] Esquire magazine names Philadelphia “The Late-Night Capital of the United States.” Why, thank you, Esquire magazine, for not being a bunch of judgmental cocks like the cocks at cockbuilder.cock.

[-2] A thief steals a purse from a pew during mass at a church in Upper Darby then uses the victim’s credit card to order $34 worth of food at a McDonald’s drive-through. Witnesses say the suspect — described as wearing stripes, a mask and a broad-brimmed black hat — was overheard muttering, “Robble robble. God forgive me.”

[-3] Police in Doylestown cite two teenagers for drawing a whale and sea turtles in the street with chalk. “Are we what’s wrong with America?” asks teenager number 1. “No, of course not. We’re just drawing turtles and stuff. This will all blow over,” says teenager number 2.

[-2] Police say the charges against the teens could be upgraded to a misdemeanor if they’re linked to other incidents of chalk graffiti in the area. “Are we what’s wrong with America?” asks officer number 1. “No, but history will judge us harshly,” says officer number 2. “For we took a pure, harmless thing and made it ugly.”

[-1] Recently hired Villanova assistant basketball coach Doug Martin resigns after it was revealed that he lied several times on his resume. “I never should’ve said I was in Space Jam,” sighs Martin.

[+3] A federal judge reaffirms his order blocking Mayor Nutter’s ban on feeding homeless people outdoors. “Yep,” says judge, “still a dick move to deny food to the hungry.”

[-1] Chickies and Pete’s, which holds the trademark for the term “crab fries,” settles its latest copyright lawsuit, this time against a North Carolina business called Crabby Fries. “Are we what’s wrong with America?” asks Chickie. “Yes, I believe we are,” says Pete. “I believe we are.”

This week’s total: -5 | Last week’s total: 3